Obviously, my last column on locker-room antics didn’t get through to y’all, so I need to be more clear.
Yesterday, I was in the gym locker room, changing after my swim workout. In my half-undressed state, I felt a hand on my shoulder. When I turned, a lady I had never met before was smiling at me:
“I love your panties! They’re so CUTE! Where did you get them?”
Flustered, I alternated between stammering and loud awkward laughs. Was this really happening? Yes. Yes, it was. A complete stranger was looking at my ass and asking for underwear-shopping advice.
What is it about locker rooms that dissolve all social boundaries? Is it the shared sense of accomplishment after a tough workout? Is it the nudity? The communal showers? SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE. I need to know.
Obviously, my last column on locker-room antics didn’t get through to y’all, so I need to be more clear. If Miss Manners was in the locker room, here’s what she’d tell you:
- * I know I’m not going to win the fight against walking around in your birthday suit, but if you sit down, can you at least keep your knees together?
- * You do not use the hair dryers provided to dry any parts of your body typically reserved for baby-making.
- * Every time you clip your toenails anywhere other than your own home, a baby seal dies. It’s true; I read it on Wikipedia.
- * I’m sure your body spray makes you irresistible to your spouse, but any more than two quick squirts and it becomes tear gas for the rest of us.
- * Reserve the post-workout snack for outside the locker room, and for the love of all things Jazzercize, please don’t put your food down on the bench between bites while you’re changing. Dude, someone’s balls were on there.
- * If have something to say to a stranger, both of you should be wearing clothes. This ain’t Woodstock.
- * Standing in front of the mirror while flexing and looking for new muscles is not only vain, it’s making me late for work. Can I please finish getting ready now?
- * Don’t point out a bump, lump, or pustule and ask me “Do you think this looks normal?” I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. Also, umm…eew.
- * If you really want to have a meaningful conversation with someone, wait until outside the locker room. And whatever you do, don’t ask where they got the cute underwear they’re wearing that day.
See you Out There!
About The Author:
Susan Lacke does 5Ks, Ironman Triathlons, and everything in between to justify her love for cupcakes (yes, she eats that many). In addition to writing for Competitor, she serves as Resident Triathlete for No Meat Athlete, a website dedicated to vegetarian endurance athletes. Susan lives and trains in Phoenix, Arizona with three animals: A labrador, a cattle dog, and a freakishly tall triathlete boyfriend. She claims to be of sound mind, though this has yet to be substantiated by a medical expert. Follow her on Twitter: @SusanLacke